Starting out

I'm alone. I'm going crazy. Is it supposed to be like this? Nobody cares.

Ever thought that? Not necessarily in the context of just every teens' life, but when you are in a situation where you can't speak out; there is something in you that makes you hide. And most of the time you don't even realize you are doing it because after a while, it's natural. It's fear, it is now what this blog is about. Not fear necessarily, but the journey from it and into peace. The journey from abuse, into something better.

In this blog we are going to figure out how to deal with the abuse that nobody can see, because of the so-called logic that has been programmed into you telling you it's not real, that you are crazy for thinking something is wrong, because this is your life and it can't change.

Guess what? That logic is false. I have been through and am still going through emotional, spiritual, financial, psychological and mental abuse from my dad. And most of my life I thought it was normal. I thought that every family was like that and there was nothing I could do. Just make a perfect mask for the outside world and deal with it. But honestly, whenever you have to make a mask so nobody know what's going on, then there must be something wrong. Of course, I didn't even realize I had put on the false front, so I didn't think that it was wrong either.

Before I knew it (and I am still trying to wrap my head around this concept) I was living 2 different lives. One at home and one for every one else. At home I didn't have a "mask" but the most comfortable way to live was to hide my feelings and opinions and just agree with him if I wanted to stay out of the line of fire. The "mask" was for everyone else, was so everybody thought that our family was the picture of perfection.

All of us were so good at it. People would ask if we ever fought or had a disagreement, we would just give a little laugh and shrug. All the while fear was clutching at our hearts and minds making sure we never gave any hint as to what our life was like at home.

I can't tell you how many cover stories I made up to make sure my dad's reputation didn't get hurt. It makes me sick that my dad had me under his control so much that I would lie for him. He would ask me to hide mail before my mom got it, so, as he put it "we don't get into a fight" and, of course, I couldn't say no.

I hid things about my dad from my mom for almost 3 years. Finally, when we moved to southern Oregon, my sister and I started really talking to my mom about the abuse and other things we saw that he was doing wrong. We were able to help each other by talking things out and praying together.

I remember that it had finally gotten really bad when I was about 10. I was terrified of what he would do, what he had done, and what he constantly threatened to do again...leave. Yup, for years when he did something wrong, and he felt like some of his control was slipping away, he would pack his bags and leave. With me and my siblings crying for him not to go, and my mom begging him to stay - again. And he would just leave anyway. Showing no real emotion toward us at all. He would take our only car and leave us standing there, thinking it was our fault that he had left.

When he would come back he would give us the empty promise to never do it again. This happened more times than I can even dream about counting. But this is only one of the ways he used to keep us under his control. There are countless others. Everything from me not being able to remember a birthday where I haven't cried, to knowing we were going to get kicked out of our house - again - because, even though my dad made plenty of money to support his family, I don't know where it all went. We have been kicked out of 4 houses in 3 years because he didn't pay rent.

So, I have spent most of my life trying to forget my life.

Then, in January of 2008 he pulled the ultimatum, he was threatening to leave again (what else is new) but this time he was actually looking into how much he'd have to pay mom for child support, how much a divorce would cost, and then...he brought home the divorce papers, signed them and moved out.

He actually rented a moving truck, took all the stuff he wanted, and moved in with his cousin. This might sound weird, but right now I couldn't be happier. Life is just starting to become clear to me. I am realizing that everyday life can be the most wonderful experience anyone could ask for. I am finally starting to know what the actual peace of God feels like.

There is a verse that has been on my heart for a couple of years now, it's what has got me through some of the hardest times of my life. It's an instruction from God, and for me, also a promise. It's Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in this confident hope, be patient in times of trouble and keep on praying.

Goodness knows I need hope. I've definitely had my fair share of trouble. But, I have trusted God to be my father and provider; and I haven't stopped praying. That's the only thing that has got me through the hell that has been my life.

Now, I've started a new chapter in my life, one where I don't have a mask, it's just my face...and from where I'm sitting, life is pretty stinkin' amazing from this point of view.

My name is Paige, and I'm starting to survive.