I've always loved the unexpected things in life. You know, the things that get your heart pumping, your blood flowing, your mouth watering......well you kind of get the picture. Its great! So let me tell you about an event of that exact order and capacity that happened just the other day!

Our day started out as any old day normally would; breakfast, lunch, work, the occasional sneeze (well, maybe not so occasional). But this most wonderful thing happened after work.

We were driving along a beautiful country road to get home, "arguing" with each other about what type of house we liked best. Paige and I agreed that the farmhouse colonial type was best, while our mother thought that something more streamlined and updated was the way to go. It got pretty heated, punches were being thrown, blood everywhere, and then our fun was very abruptly halted at the longest line of traffic ever! I mean, why is there traffic on a small country road! It ruins the whole effect! But as it turns out, it was a sign. A sign of something better to come. A sign that there is still a God at work in our lives today. Yes, my friend, It was a sign for a strawberry stand.

Paige started shrieking at the top of her lungs "STRAWBERRIES! STRAWBERRIES! STOP THE CAR!" Which of course, was quite unnecessary, as we were already stopped in traffic. But at least her heart was in it. And her lungs got quite a workout, so I guess it was worthwhile.

We pulled up to the stand and requested 2 flats of strawberries, but to our dismay, they only had 1 1/2 flats left. We quickly took the last of the strawberries and headed home.

Now you might be wondering what the heck a person could to with 14 pints of strawberries. The answer is quite simple. Make strawberry freezer jam!

The process to make this coveted freezer jam is a interesting one.

It basically only requires a person to crush each strawberry with a fork. And while this may sound easy, It is a lengthy process that requires patience and skill. So it helps if you have a movie or TV show on while you crush. In our case it was Gilmore Girls. That show is somehow addicting, just like the freezer jam! Anyway, The result of this fabulously unexpected day was 6 quarts of strawberry freezer jam! Maybe that doesn't sound to great to the average Joe (no offence to anyone who found this uninteresting), but to me, this was about the most perfect end to a day.

And it just goes to show you that whenever something seems bad (like being stuck in traffic) and that nothing good could ever come from it. Maybe it could be to prepare you for something better...now if you will excuse me, I think I need a nice strawberry snack!

Laurel

Starting out

I'm alone. I'm going crazy. Is it supposed to be like this? Nobody cares.

Ever thought that? Not necessarily in the context of just every teens' life, but when you are in a situation where you can't speak out; there is something in you that makes you hide. And most of the time you don't even realize you are doing it because after a while, it's natural. It's fear, it is now what this blog is about. Not fear necessarily, but the journey from it and into peace. The journey from abuse, into something better.

In this blog we are going to figure out how to deal with the abuse that nobody can see, because of the so-called logic that has been programmed into you telling you it's not real, that you are crazy for thinking something is wrong, because this is your life and it can't change.

Guess what? That logic is false. I have been through and am still going through emotional, spiritual, financial, psychological and mental abuse from my dad. And most of my life I thought it was normal. I thought that every family was like that and there was nothing I could do. Just make a perfect mask for the outside world and deal with it. But honestly, whenever you have to make a mask so nobody know what's going on, then there must be something wrong. Of course, I didn't even realize I had put on the false front, so I didn't think that it was wrong either.

Before I knew it (and I am still trying to wrap my head around this concept) I was living 2 different lives. One at home and one for every one else. At home I didn't have a "mask" but the most comfortable way to live was to hide my feelings and opinions and just agree with him if I wanted to stay out of the line of fire. The "mask" was for everyone else, was so everybody thought that our family was the picture of perfection.

All of us were so good at it. People would ask if we ever fought or had a disagreement, we would just give a little laugh and shrug. All the while fear was clutching at our hearts and minds making sure we never gave any hint as to what our life was like at home.

I can't tell you how many cover stories I made up to make sure my dad's reputation didn't get hurt. It makes me sick that my dad had me under his control so much that I would lie for him. He would ask me to hide mail before my mom got it, so, as he put it "we don't get into a fight" and, of course, I couldn't say no.

I hid things about my dad from my mom for almost 3 years. Finally, when we moved to southern Oregon, my sister and I started really talking to my mom about the abuse and other things we saw that he was doing wrong. We were able to help each other by talking things out and praying together.

I remember that it had finally gotten really bad when I was about 10. I was terrified of what he would do, what he had done, and what he constantly threatened to do again...leave. Yup, for years when he did something wrong, and he felt like some of his control was slipping away, he would pack his bags and leave. With me and my siblings crying for him not to go, and my mom begging him to stay - again. And he would just leave anyway. Showing no real emotion toward us at all. He would take our only car and leave us standing there, thinking it was our fault that he had left.

When he would come back he would give us the empty promise to never do it again. This happened more times than I can even dream about counting. But this is only one of the ways he used to keep us under his control. There are countless others. Everything from me not being able to remember a birthday where I haven't cried, to knowing we were going to get kicked out of our house - again - because, even though my dad made plenty of money to support his family, I don't know where it all went. We have been kicked out of 4 houses in 3 years because he didn't pay rent.

So, I have spent most of my life trying to forget my life.

Then, in January of 2008 he pulled the ultimatum, he was threatening to leave again (what else is new) but this time he was actually looking into how much he'd have to pay mom for child support, how much a divorce would cost, and then...he brought home the divorce papers, signed them and moved out.

He actually rented a moving truck, took all the stuff he wanted, and moved in with his cousin. This might sound weird, but right now I couldn't be happier. Life is just starting to become clear to me. I am realizing that everyday life can be the most wonderful experience anyone could ask for. I am finally starting to know what the actual peace of God feels like.

There is a verse that has been on my heart for a couple of years now, it's what has got me through some of the hardest times of my life. It's an instruction from God, and for me, also a promise. It's Romans 12:12 - Rejoice in this confident hope, be patient in times of trouble and keep on praying.

Goodness knows I need hope. I've definitely had my fair share of trouble. But, I have trusted God to be my father and provider; and I haven't stopped praying. That's the only thing that has got me through the hell that has been my life.

Now, I've started a new chapter in my life, one where I don't have a mask, it's just my face...and from where I'm sitting, life is pretty stinkin' amazing from this point of view.

My name is Paige, and I'm starting to survive.